Give Me Food or Give Me Death

Life boils down to my next meal and how to fill the time in between

Maybe I’m different, but for as long as I can remember, next to the few times I’ve had sex, food — or just the thought of it — brings me immeasurable joy.

Let me clarify. I’m not talking about the kind of pleasure you get from a nice birthday present or the love of a child, I’m talking about a deep, cellular, down-to-your-marrow, orgasmic happiness.

Sure, I could elaborate how mozzarella makes me weak in the knees or how when I crack open the claw of a 3-pound lobster I actually get sexually aroused, but I’d like to be more methodical.


We dream of food.

No Viagra is needed. 

Having worked in geriatrics, I can tell you firsthand, you are never too old to center your life around food.

In fact, every nursing home, every assisted living facility, every hospital, promotes their food as “5-Star Dining”, despite the fact it’s the same frozen shit we get at Sam’s or Costco’s.

And while it’s true we need less food as we get older, if you make it to 90 or 100, let’s be honest, food is all you’ll really have left…Oh, and BINGO too…and, of course, The Price is Right.

In fact, many people who end up in institutional settings, don’t walk or move around much anymore. 

Their typical day is: go to the dining room for a huge breakfast. Then go to morning exercise group which usually consists of bouncing a balloon around, watch television until noon, then go back to the dining room for a Thanksgiving-sized lunch. Then play BINGO, watch television, and take an afternoon nap until 4:30. Finally, go back to the dining room for a gargantuan dinner, watch television, go to bed at 9 pm, and repeat until you die.

I can’t wait for it!

Deep abiding love

I love food so much that if I had to choose between a woman and food I don’t know that I could answer immediately.

I love food so much I would buy edible underwear but I would eat it before using it.

I’m actually kind of a food tease.

I play coy with it.

Sometimes I talk to it.

I ask the tomatoes straight up, “Are you juicy enough for me?”

In the supermarket, everybody pokes and touches the fruits and vegetables, but I find myself squeezing and caressing….sometimes even rubbing the crust of bread or staring at the ice cream cakes for way too long.

I once had an argument with a box of fried chicken. I swear it was mocking me.

Perfect world

I dream of a world where nothing else exists except food.

A world where all you do is sleep and eat.

A world where you never even have to open your eyes. You just sit up, open your mouth, shove food inside, and fall back to sleep.

But until then, I’ll continue to live like the rest of the world, in a quiet, self-tortured, self-imposed food abstinence.

I’ll stick to portion control and exercise enough to burn off the calories.

I’ll watch my sodium, fat, and sugar.

I’ll be cautious.

The upside

I suppose there is a silver lining…

When I do find another girlfriend and she sees me staring at another woman, I’ll say with a straight face, “Honey, you have nothing to worry about, I might be looking at that girl’s body, but I only have eyes for strawberry cheesecake.”