Having an Affair and Not Feeling Guilty About It
Instead of justifying, over-thinking, begging for forgiveness, or swearing to keep an affair secret, keeping your mouth shut may be the best strategy
Before accusing me of click-baiting with this hyperbolic headline, I am not proposing affairs are something to celebrate — they cause pain, and by definition, ruin somebody’s fairy tale….or life. They are immoral.
I am suggesting our popular culture is rethinking and separating our biological desire for unplanned, animalistic, sex, from the linguistic gymnastics we spew from our mouths when trying to justify our natural inclinations.
Just say nothing
I see a new strategy emerging, where instead of trying to justify, analyze, over-think, rationalize, or overtly agree to keep an affair secret, we keep our mouths (and thoughts) shut, following our natural biological urges wherever they may lead.
It’s still cheating just as much as any generation, but we’re starting to throw in the towel on the mind games and guilty thoughts. Maybe the best way to accept our animalistic, biologically-driven desires is to indulge them as much as we wish and not judge ourselves by labeling them.
Don’t believe a word coming out of my mouth
This generation is beginning to separate their behaviors from their words and language in ways we’re not accustomed to experiencing. I’m not talking about the template of past generations where you say to someone, “Look, I know you’re married so we have to keep this completely secret so nobody gets hurt — don’t tell anyone, okay?”
I’m talking, before you know it you’re under the covers, undressed, doing the biological boogie, without uttering a single word about it. And then moving on about your day as if nothing happened.
A purposeful self-delusion that absolves you of guilt, allows the behavior to proceed and be enjoyed and attempts to prevent your spouse from pain by ignoring, denying, or lying about it.
It happened………but not really.
There are no words
Separating behavior from verbal expression, acknowledges there are no words that will make breaking a promise of sexual fidelity, acceptable.
Young folks, are unencumbered by fixed gender roles and not easily fooled by verbal distortions and confabulations. If someone’s gonna cheat, trying to talk them out of it is as stupid as trying to talk someone out of food or water….biology trumps rational thought almost every time.
Just have the affair without veering into small talk. Do not even pierce the perimeter of putting a label on what is happening — if it feels good, do it…then keep your mouth shut, is a strategy as good as any other.
Better yet, don’t even entertain thoughts about the affair. Chalk it up to biology and let it slide.
You don’t need absolution
If you didn’t do anything wrong you don’t need forgiveness.
I’ve been nurtured to believe cheating on someone with whom you swore you’d always be loyal is an unforgivable sin. Yet when we fall short, like Charlie Brown, and the football, we cry, beg, lie, cheat, and steal to get someone to forgive us —willing to try therapy, religion, and repentance, in an oftentimes vain attempt at absolution.
It makes no earthly difference the words and promises coming out of someone’s mouth, they will always have a biological predisposition to seek sex. You either acknowledge people’s words and actions oftentimes don’t match up, find someone who’s willing to be surveilled 24–7, or accept affairs will likely occur…and hope for the best.
We need it, we desire it, we desperately want to have it — sometimes with wild abandon like a pubescent teenager. We’re born that way.
It’s not a matter of redefining an affair as being “right” or “wrong”
I am not suggesting having an affair should be redefined as being moral or immoral.
Hurting someone you promised not to cheat on is immoral.
It’s a surrendering of sorts. An acknowledgment that particularly in this fast-paced, shortened-attention-span, easy-to-find hookups world, it no longer makes sense to make a verbal pledge of fidelity and monogamy.
This new mental strategy does the exact opposite of what we were advised when getting married —DON’T, have open communication about everything, DON’T, obtain counseling to recover from infidelities, DON’T seek forgiveness for doing what you’ve been biologically predisposed to do for millions of years.
Accept your humanity as it is.
That does not mean you go into a relationship or marriage intending on cheating or being unfaithful. It means you are open-eyed about the trajectory of your future and acknowledge it may include sleeping with other people — despite your current best intentions.
Summary
For some of you, this will sound like utter nonsense. A mind game to allow cheating as an acceptable lifestyle when it should categorically be considered immoral, not to mention hurtful.
Well, how’s our traditional way of dealing with cheating going? The current template is to lie, deny, rationalize, debate, beg, seek counseling, then try to forget it ever happened.
I contend that’s stupid.
Cheating sucks. Cheating hurts. Cheating is unpredictable and never appreciated. But it’s not going away — dating apps, social media, and our pathologically shortened attention spans guarantee it.
There are no words in any language that will make you feel better about someone sharing the most intimate human contact with someone other than you. So why even try. Why say anything at all.
When it comes to biological, animalistic sex, what we say and what we do are often two separate things. Until we accept this truth and live accordingly, we’ll keep trying to bargain our way out of something we were born to do.