A little levity…
Nobody’s watching you
I was the last generation to grow up in the “clean plate club” and “the customer is always right” generation.
We behaved because we thought God was always watching us, and if we doubled dipped a potato chip or ate from the serving spoon we would go straight to hell, possibly in a handbasket.
Sometime in about 1985, we all agreed God was actually a pretty cool guy and didn’t give a hoot if we misbehaved. We never really believed in literal heaven anyway — just a weightless, easy-breezy, ghost-like life where we could somehow still have sex and eat pizza….forever.
As I age, I’ve conquered most of my youthful jerkiness but I’m still guilty sometimes.
I harbor a little jerk in me.
How about you?
Abusing the wait staff
It sucks when you get poor service at a restaurant. It feels personal…”How come everyone else got their food and not me?”
But having a tantrum or verbally abusing the waitress, who might be your neighbor’s daughter, is being a jerk.
Have I ever gotten on my high horse and said, “This is unacceptable and awful service. You are the worst waitress I’ve ever had, I want to speak to your manager.” Yes, I have. Did I regret it and never do it again? No. I’ve done it a few times. Does that make me a jerk? The few times I’ve behaved that way….absolutely.
Judging people on their physical appearance
I was a very cute, handsome, and good-looking boy until puberty transformed me into an amphibian.
I carried an extra 35 pounds of pizza, pasta, and potatoes on me until I was 39 years old…and they weren’t in grocery bags.
I’ve always respected people’s sensitivities around their appearance so I rarely made fun of anyone’s looks. But I was guilty of labeling and judging people based on their weight and attractiveness despite being very chubby, short, and blotchy-looking myself.
We all do it.
But when we make someone feel inadequate or inferior because of their physical appearance, that makes us…..a super jerk.
Judging someone on their socioeconomic status
Working hard and making a lot of money is a noble endeavor. But it doesn’t mean someone who works hard and doesn’t make a lot of money should be treated any differently.
We worship wealth and materialism. And there is plenty of down-to-earth, nonjudgemental rich people. In my experience, the most generous, relatable, and intelligent people I’ve ever known were the so-called under-educated, working-class, paycheck-to-paycheck folks so often disparaged and overlooked.
Truth is, unless you’re worth well into the millions, if you live long enough, you will outlive your money. And be dependent on somebody to take care of your physical and mental needs. And it might end up being that person you saw at the grocery store who you thought was beneath you.
Dirty and funny
Yes. I am also the last generation where a movie like Blazing Saddles could be made, and dirty jokes were acceptable.
Without repeating the actual jokes, many had to do with a women’s looks, body, sexual attractiveness, willingness, and ability to please men, and explicit judgments about the size, shape, and smell of their body parts.
Women often wrote it off as “boys will be boys.”
The times I’ve engaged in that kind of “locker talk”, made me a total jerk. And if you do it….you are too.
I’m in charge
If you think you’re in charge of everyone else you are a jerk. Trust me, I have a healthy dose of this one.
Some people are natural-born leaders. And there’s nothing wrong with hooking up with people who like to be led. But in general, adults are in charge of themselves.
When you learn to tame your inner control freak, you’re better off.
Scratching your butt and picking your nose
This doesn’t make you a jerk, says the man who engages in it regularly.
Also, if you think coughing loudly while farting keeps people from knowing it was you, it doesn’t.
Misery loves company
I’m super guilty of this one.
If I’m getting in trouble for something everybody’s doing, I’m telling on them. When cornered, I'll start listing off names like a kindergartener.
This is the hardest jerky thing for me to quit. It seems terribly unjust to get busted for something while others are getting away with it. I’m working on it though.
Flirting in front of your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend
Many of us think if we’re monogamous and loyal in our committed relationship, there’s no harm in flirting with the wait staff or a colleague or the airline stewardess, or the FedEx guy. It’s just harmless fooling around, right?
It’s true, some people flirt without any intention of actually doing anything other than glaring and giggling. But if it makes your significant other uncomfortable, it makes you a jerk.
I’ve argued it’s just my outgoing personality, but that doesn’t excuse it.
My ex said it best, “How come you don’t seem to flash that dynamic, outgoing personality when you’re talking to men?”
Here are a few jerk quickies
1. Eating someone else’s food without asking.
2. Smoking the last bud and swearing you thought there was another bag.
3. Swearing to your blind date you only had 4 drinks when it’s 2 for 1 night and the only reason the bartender graduated high school was because you did his homework for him.
4. Telling your girlfriend or boyfriend nothing happened when it did.
5. Refusing to wash your bedsheets for 14 weeks because you think you’re very clean, even though you’re getting bed bug bites.
6. Using a wire hanger to unclog the toilet even though it permanently scratches it.
7. Breaking up by text, “I’m sorry, but I think it’s better if we go our separate ways,” is better than ghosting, but still a jerky move. At a minimum….email.
8. Running with your supermarket basket to get around an old lady to beat her in line.
Summary
Nobody’s watching you. You can get away with abusing the wait staff or looking down your nose at those less fortunate.
You can be too bossy or openly scratch your butt or rat out your co-workers if you want.
But it’s nice to be nice.
Being a jerk feels good at the moment, but so does having sex with your best friend’s spouse.
Here’s to a jerk-free world…except for an occasional well-intentioned dirty joke.
Here’s to double-dipping.
And remember, if there is a heaven, I hear the jerks have to pay an extra $9.99 for the crab legs.