I Love Everything You Love

The “bend over backward boyfriend”

Photo by Jaclyn Moy on Unsplash

A little levity…

You know, the guy who’ll do anything for your love!

“OMG…I love shopping for bras and panties,” I told the umpteenth girl I thought would fall in love with me If I pretended to love everything she did. 

When it comes to succeeding in many endeavors I’m a superstar, but my strategy has always been manic and mostly self-defeating when it comes to courting — smothering a girl with a torrent of so much energy: excessive talking, over-analyzing, and overpromising, she either quickly runs away….or buys what I’m selling, which I can never live up to. 

A Wishful Thinking Delusional Love

When educators observe pre-schoolers randomly interacting on a playground they notice even 3-year-olds have a strategy to make friends. Some are naturally magnetic, plop themselves in the sandbox, and others flock toward them. Others chase kids around until they wear them out enough to say some version of, “I’ll be your friend if you’ll be mine.”

But adults have a lot to offer: money, companionship, time, attention, a desire to be fair and do things that make the other one happy. 

It only becomes pathological when our brain thinks if we just pour enough love, make enough promises, and bend over backward to make sure the object of your desire’s every need is met, they’ll have no choice but to fall hopelessly, madly in love with us….forever. 

I’ll have what she’s having

There’s a fine line between being reasonable, accommodating, and flexible, and amputating your own arm so you don’t wake someone up in the morning. 

I fall in the latter category — call me one-armed Johnny. And Don’t blame the person receiving the deluge of overbearing attention. It’s not their fault, despite having awful motor skills, I teach myself to knit and crochet so our future children will have homemade socks and bibs. 

Don’t judge me for pretending opera, ballet, and museums are the reason I wake up in the morning. Or swearing your love has converted me from an atheist into a devoutly God-fearing man. 

It’s normal to iron your girlfriend's underwear, isn’t it?

Where’s the balance?

I’m not asking that rhetorically. 

Help me. What IS the balance between overpromising and enslaving yourself to someone else for their love, and being a misogynistic, self-centered, douche? 

Is it better to play it cool and slowly start promising things you probably cannot deliver? 

Is there a middle ground where things are divided up fairly and love spontaneously emerges like an unforeseen thunderstorm?

Bottom line

One person will always be more attentive than the other, but love cannot be achieved by chasing someone around like a school child. 

The romance graveyard is full of men who cook, clean, sew, knit, crochet, and can recite every line from Sex and the City, with nowhere to ply those skills. 

The only advice I can give men like me, who only know how to treat women like a powerful queen or princess, is to pace themselves. 

Start slow. Gain a little trust. 

But most of all, if you’re overdoing it because that’s the way you are, that’s wonderful. But if you think your kindness builds up some kind of “love equity” you can draw from in the future, you will be disappointed. 

Or….you can get really lucky and find someone who loves you….for you…actually…Nah…I got this…don’t worry, my future love, I’ll take care of everything.