Letting Go of the Concept of Forever
It takes a bunch of ‘one day at a times’ to create a fairy tale
Let your fantasies run wild — You know who turns you on. Let the thought of them marinate in your mind. Go there. Imagine what you’ll do to them, for them, for yourself. Many times, fantasy is as close as you’ll get to the real thing…so…go ahead…dare to dream it.
Let them know they excite you — Somewhere between sending a telegram and spontaneously undressing, find a way to let your love interest know you’re interested. This assumes you’ve already swiped your way into oblivion and are meeting people the old-fashioned way…drunk in a dive bar….no…in person.
If they like you…dive into it — Pour your heart into it. I recognize this is counter-intuitive since most recommend holding your cards close to the vest, but life is too short for dilly-dallying or pussy footing around, just go for it. Serve up your best. Be present and attentive. Listen and support and giggle, and touch hands and fingers, and look directly into each other’s eyes. Gaze at them. Drink them in. Go for it boldly.
Don’t be afraid, anxious, or neurotic — Many relationships are ruined out of fear of being rejected, ghosted, breadcrumbed, salt n’ peppered, sauteed, flambeed, cheated on, part of a con, hen-pecked, you're like wrecked, and the pain is just too unbearable. If anxiety and fear paralyze you, you’ll end up living your life backward and miss out on developing meaningful future relationships.
Know when to say when — We don’t give ourselves enough credit for our intuitions. We know damn well when a relationship is drifting, floundering, toxic, dangerous, or unfixable. Of course, you should try to course correct it. But it’s impossible to know if “one more try” might’ve re-kindled past passion. At some point, if someone tells you they have to go, you need to believe them. People can project their feelings and emotions onto their lovers, and neither person wants to hurt the other, but misery is misery, and if you can’t find a pathway to true happiness, let it go.
Regrets — How do we know if we gave up too soon? Time always tells. Unless things dissolve into extreme chaos or mayhem, any relationship can be reconciled….at any time. For those continually kicking yourself over “the one that got away,” consider this…if you were supposed to be together, you simply would have. Nothing was stopping you. Oh…your ex is dating someone else or is married. Well, that says something, doesn’t it? Pining for past love to the point it prevents you from loving again is a terrible loss…for you…not for the one that got away. Regrets…go ahead and have a few…then move on.
Know what you’re getting into — If your definition of a serious relationship or marriage is an unwavering commitment between two people, even when things go off the rails. And, you are consciously aware that love evolves, changes, is tested, and sometimes feels hopeless but you want to keep it going anyway. At some point, you’ve woven together with a forever ever after….you’re a fairy tale.
Red lines — “If you cheat on me, it’s over,” sounds pretty categorical but many forgive sexual transgressions and move on successfully. Some don’t. As I’ve written about here, for me, once someone cheats, the relationship or marriage cannot be easily reconciled. Others have different viewpoints on having multiple sexual partners and defining a relationship or marriage and I salute those who can process infidelity and move on, I, personally have never found a psychological or emotional way to process multiple sexual partners any way other than as a painful betrayal, but that’s me…I respect you.
Fairy tales are real…we just can’t control the ending — You can create the beginning of a fairy tale every day of your life. Socialize, flirt, explore, fire it up…just understand…you get to control how the fairy tale begins, not where it goes…or how it ends. You simply cannot control how you, or the person who currently loves you, is going to feel in a year, or a decade.
Intoxication — A fairy tale is when someone makes you feel like a prince or a princess — when someone looks so deeply into your eyes, you have to look away, or blush. When the anticipation of what’s to come excites every cell and neuron to the point of sheer breathlessness. Fairy tales are made up of a million little pieces — kind words, thoughtful gestures, loving support — there is little else in life that feels as life-affirming and invigorating, it is simply what makes life worth living.
Summary
Love is built over a lifetime with many different people — lovers, friends, spouses, ex-spouses, colleagues, former colleagues.
Love is what happens over time when you create something special together — a life to share, build, grow, trust, and cherish.
Sometimes it is full of Eros, passion, and sex; other times it isn’t.
Embrace your inner fantasies — they’re yours to enjoy. Just know, they are fantasies — in real life, your love partner doesn’t behave the way they do when you’re manipulating them in your mind.
If you like someone, tell them. Playing coy or hard to get, particularly in a world of perpetual, competitive, swiping, is foolish.
Knowing when to go separate ways is impossible. Everybody has different tolerances for infidelity, melancholy, or the malaise that is common as relationships and marriages age.
Red lines often lead to regret because even after someone cheats on us, or leaves us, we wonder whether we should have given the relationship or marriage one more chance.
We know couples who are on the same wavelength for decades then decide to go their separate ways. And those who never have a long-lasting relationship because they continually crave the intoxication of new love — some cheat, some don’t, some are loyal, some are not…none of this is going to change.
You will love many people over your lifetime. Maybe you’ll stay with one person until you die. Maybe you’ll have many lovers…and friends.
Just keep loving…and when you do…do it full force…give it your all…make the person you’re with feel special and pretty and important and alive. Love them like they’re the most valuable person in the world.
Make today one person’s lucky forever…