I am not a perpetual, 24-hour Suzy sunshine.
There is no bluebird on my shoulder.
I have occasional depressing days.
But I truly love life most of the time.
Why?
Largely because I’m blessed with an active imagination tempered by a healthy dose of reality.
I’ve also been blessed with a caring family.
As a teenager, I dreamed of becoming a famous broadcaster and a worldwide jet setter.
That, I am not.
But I’m in a decent profession, live in a beautiful environment of rolling horse farms and spectacular lakes and rivers, have a wonderful 19-year-old daughter, and find something to look forward to every day.
Fantasy exceeds reality
Anticipation is delicious.
When we’re hungry we anticipate eating.
When we’re horny we anticipate pleasures of the flesh.
When we’re looking for an escape from life’s pressures, we anticipate how drinking or smoking will make us feel.
Oftentimes, we enjoy dream-like cerebral fantasies more than the eventual reality.
Sometimes the dream is all we get; reality never happens.
Fantasy, imagination, and realistic expectations
“Shoot for the stars but the moon is pretty cool too.”
In kindergarten, I told my teacher I wanted to marry a princess, live in a mansion, and eat pepperoni pizza all day long.
At 55, I still want those things. But, I was already married to two princesses, my house is my mansion, and I occasionally begin the day with cold pizza.
Yes, there are days I feel I squandered time and could’ve been more focused economically and professionally, but I know my limits. I know the price of having too much stress.
Everyone defines their work-life balance differently. We all know folks who work all the time and others who never work.
We all have different coping skills, patience, and the ability to adapt to the environment in which we find ourselves.
There is no amount of money that makes a hostile work environment acceptable.
I am convinced, aside from pure genetics, creating a life where you have the most peace of mind possible is the secret to longevity and happiness. This sometimes means quitting your job or career. Or separating yourself from people who are abusive or degrading.
Companionship, friendship, and love
Sometimes your friend is also your companion and lover.
We need people to want us. Not hundreds, thousands, or millions, just a few.
Of course, the jackpot is finding someone you like….and love.
But don’t underestimate the power of discovering a human connection wherever it may materialize.
You probably don’t remember the exact moment and place you met most of your close friends, particularly lifelong ones. For whatever reason, some people make you feel good. They bring out the best in you. You value them. You love them.
Sharing thoughts, vulnerabilities, hopes, challenges, and concerns with someone who excites you, is a powerful ingredient in creating a good life.
When life seems to be crumbling
Why do some people accept life’s curveballs in stride and others curl up into the fetal position if it rains when they’re planning a beach trip?
Accepting disappointment is brutally difficult. It’s easy to tell people to appreciate what they have, but we have goals and desires, and expectations. Losing our health, money, and loved ones is a fate we all ultimately face.
Part of the solution is ego management. I grew up in an environment, community, and age where children’s psyches were pumped up to stratospheric heights.
To this day, the divorce rate amongst those in the city where I grew up, is comparatively minuscule. We grew up in families who focused on achieving excellence in all areas of life: education, culture, socio-economic status, and family.
We were competitive (this was before participation trophies). We were the generation where a television commercial made it clear, if you weren’t a doctor or a lawyer, you better be driving a Buick.
We were unabashedly materialistic at a time when technology was just getting kick-started: microwave ovens, big-screen televisions, personal computers, original cell phones, the VCR, “real” video games, and more affordable intercontinental air travel.
Fair or not, we judged people based on their education and career. Adults often introduced people by what they did for a living, “This is my friend Bob, he’s a civil engineer.”
There is something marvelous and pragmatic about looking capitalism in the eye and conquering it.
But culture, technology, and life have a way of switching things up. Nobody foresaw how rapidly technology would advance and displace even “guaranteed” professions like law and medicine.
The pathway to material success remains through higher education and private businesses, but those roads are no longer paved with guaranteed gold. We think it’s just cashiers, bank tellers, and toll booth collectors being displaced: think pharmacists, doctors, lawyers, and engineers. Do you think drug stores are going to need a human pharmacist when robots are more cost-effective, and accurate than humans?
People are already relying on web-based medical sites for diagnostic and treatment options without ever visiting an actual physician. I’ve started a corporation by going directly to the state of Florida’s appropriate website and educating myself on the legal processes for a fraction of the cost of going through an attorney.
If the day after you achieve your advanced degree or Ph.D., your career is technologically obsolete, that is, sadly, a waste of an education.
But not a life.
Materialistic success has never been a guarantee.
You’d look pretty in a garbage bag
If you try to “keep up with the Joneses” and fail, you shouldn’t define yourself as inadequate.
Your worth shouldn’t be measured in dollars and cents.
Accumulating wealth is powerful. But so is being loyal to your friends and family. And appreciating your accomplishments in terms of making other people’s lives more meaningful and valuable.
When I was 8, we were allowed to dress up in our costumes at elementary school on Halloween. My Mom found out too late to buy me a costume, so she took a brown paper grocery bag, cut holes for my arms, slid it over my head, and said I was an Indian. When I told her I looked stupid she said don’t you dare think that way as she hand-painted the shopping bag and put some makeup on my face.
I remember wondering what she meant by “think that way.” Was there some magical thinking technique that would take my fear of being shamed by the other kids away?
Some of them made fun of me, “Haha you’re wearing a garbage bag for a costume.” And I was upset at first. But as the day wore on, something clicked in my mind. I understood my mother’s directive. It made no earthly difference whether I was wearing an expensive Batman costume or a used shopping bag.
So instead of getting defensive or angry, I smiled and laughed with them. “Don’t think that way” really meant “Don’t react that way”. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Kill it with kindness.
By the end of the day, everybody’s costume was torn and ragged. I remember there was a pretty classmate who approached me as I was waiting for my bus. “They laughed at you today,” she said. “I know,” I smiled, “but that’s okay.” “That was mean of them,” she sat next to me, “They should have kept it to themselves.”
“Do you like my costume?” I asked this 9-year-old cutie. “No,” she giggled, “but I like you.” I’ll never know why she expressed her affection at that moment. But I like to think it was my mom’s advice and that ratty brown paper bag.
Summary
Fantasies and dreams are vitally important and make life exhilarating and exciting. But reality rarely lives up.
Our lives will never go completely as planned. If we’re lucky we’ll have many years of health, comfort, and happiness.
Our value is not our education, wealth, or material possessions. Our value is what we do when we get nothing in return.
We get stuck on defining love as a romantic, sexual pursuit. Love is everything from an explosive physical and emotional connection, to a drooping, sloppy, cheesy, tangy slice of pizza.
I wish I had a secret strategy of how to be happy all the time. I don’t.
But I know my mind controls my body….all of it.
And when my daughter was 8 and celebrating Halloween, I sent her to school in the same brown paper bag my mother forced me to wear. When I picked her up in the afternoon, she was smiling. She said some kids made fun of her. I asked her if that hurt her feelings. She said a little, but she didn’t care. I asked her why not.
She changed the subject, “Daddy, can we go get some pizza and just hang out?”
I said, “Sure sweetie. You want to hang out….with me?”
“Yep. That’s what I’ve been thinking about all day long.”
That’s one magical shopping bag.
That’s one sweet daughter.
That’s one loving life.