Our Words Don't Match Our Actions
We say one thing and do another
“Who ya gonna believe me or your own eyes?” Chico Marx, Duck Soup, 1933
Nobody’s perfect. We all say things we don’t mean….or mean things we don’t say.
Sometimes, it’s small talk, like saying “I’m fine, thanks,” when you’re really not.
Other times it’s more impactful like saying, “Of course, I still love you,” when you no longer do.
Our actions have become increasingly separate from our words
It’s possible we’ve always said one thing and done another, but it feels more culturally acceptable now.
You don’t say
Someday, technology will allow us to express our thoughts telepathically.
Just this year we’re beginning to successfully transmit words directly from the brain of someone who, because of paralysis, cannot produce words motorically…New Brain Implant Turns Visualized Letters into Text.
This will reduce our ability to use words deceptively by either omitting, twisting, or fabricating our intent.
Until then, we live in a world where our personal and romantic relationships are dependent on whether we believe what someone is telling us, or whether we judge them by their actions.
We try to align what we say with what we do….that is, make our actions match our words.
But we don’t.
Communication
We are on the cusp of being able to express our thoughts directly.
No more pesky, annoying “brain farts” where we have trouble putting our thoughts into words. We’ll simply look at someone and they’ll instantly know precisely what we’re trying to say — no words, vocal prosody, or gestures necessary. Just a burst of electrical energy from one brain to the next, conveying our message…truthfully and accurately.
When technology allows for this type of mind reading, it will profoundly change how we date, fall in love, develop relationships, and have sex.
We won’t be able to say one thing and do something diametrically opposed without getting caught.
If you tell your spouse you love them with your words, but your brain is transmitting something different, you will be busted in the act when trying to deceive them.
When mental telepathy gets perfected, it will, ironically, force us to better align our words with our actions.
For now, though, we’re stuck with the old-fashioned notion of trying to say what we mean and mean what we say.
We are ruled by our words and actions but they notoriously do not match.
“I will always be there for you….forever….until I draw my last breath…..and decay in my grave,” says the man signing his divorce papers.
“I love you as much today as I ever did,” says everyone in a long-standing relationship.
Those phrases consist of words that are a combination of speech sounds or their representation in writing that communicates an intended meaning.
Action, on the other hand, is simply what we do.
The intent is important to dissect
If I tell you I like you and want to kiss you, and I genuinely have those butterflies in my stomach, my intent is for you to believe me and want to kiss me back. If you don’t believe me, you may not kiss me.
There have probably been millions, perhaps billions, of lost kisses because of miscommunicated intent.
It’s intent that will be most affected when we are able to communicate brain to brain.
You won’t be able to fake emotions or desires. If you don’t particularly like someone’s attitude or viewpoints, but find them wildly attractive and desire them sexually, they will know it upfront. You can say whatever you want, but they will know, in real-time, what you are thinking and your intent. And better be able to gauge your likely actions.
Until then, we must navigate a mysterious communication world where we never know whether someone’s words are truthful. And therefore, we need to base our actions on gut instinct…..and their actions.
Words and actions and sex
If someone agrees to go on a date, they either have a physical attraction to you or they don’t. If they do, they may want to have sex with you, or not. If they don’t, maybe they just want to get to know you and see where it goes.
In a perfect world of communication, five minutes into the date, one of you would say, “I Just want to let you know, I don’t feel any spark and therefore, there is a 0% chance of any sex occurring between us,” or “I have decided I will be allowing you to make love to me tonight….and also, I’m having the chicken parmesan with linguine.”
Many people feel words can ruin a sexual atmosphere, “Momentarily, I will unbutton my pants and lower my zipper….please consider doing the same.”
This is why actions are critical too. If within a few minutes of the date, you’re holding hands or touching each other’s arm in a sensual way, actions have spoken louder than words.
At some point, you will need to use words to seal the deal, “You’re place or mine?” but if you’re dancing the tongue tango before they bring the desert, your actions effectively communicated your intent. Few words are needed.
Even when there is a physical attraction, people have all types of internal boundaries and rules ranging from….never on the first date….to, maybe after the third date….to, I’m sorry, I wait until marriage.
With some dating apps, you can safely assume the proper swipe indicates a willingness to have sex within hours (or seconds) of a meeting. But even then, there can be changes of opinion between seeing a small picture of someone and meeting them in person. It all boils down to words and actions.
At some point in any potentially physical relationship, someone is either going to use words like, “I want to kiss you,” or perform actions like leaning in for a kiss and seeing if you lean in or back away.
I’ve always been hopelessly neurotic and tried to combine both words and actions. While leaning in for a kiss, I simultaneously say, “Can I kiss you?” in an awkward attempt to initiate the action of the kiss while giving the girl a second to produce the words, “I’d rather not,” and it’s off the table.
Once words or actions lead to having sex, they often diverge and take different pathways.
Words and actions relationships
You can only have one first kiss. The second one is fine, but it’s not the first.
Even sexual encounters that are agreed to be one-night stands can evolve where one or both start to develop feelings beyond the physical act.
When two people want to commit to a monogamous, one-on-one, relationship, they initially use the words, “So, what are we?” And define themselves, “We’re boyfriend and girlfriend, right?” or “We’re in a relationship now, right?.”
If the answer is a mutual “yes” that is when words and actions often go their separate ways.
Now begins the awkward stage where you don’t express your true feelings, you say what you think the other one wants to hear and what is best for sustaining the created relationship.
Your actions often continue by having sex, checking on each other every few hours, and planning what to do on the weekend.
But your words often get stuck in a robotic monotone. “Hi, babe,” “Hey,” “What’s up?” “Nothing, getting ready to go to lunch,” “Okay. I love you,” “I love you too babe.”
While risky, it is infinitely better to try to align your words and actions as closely as possible.
This means sometimes telling your lover or spouse, “I am not feeling great in our relationship.”
Words and actions feelings
Some people are better at putting their feelings into words than others.
It’s not easy to say, “When you didn’t show up to my birthday party, my feelings were really hurt,” or “I am developing feelings for someone else.”
When it comes to feelings, actions almost always take precedence.
Image if instead of taking the action of cheating and sometimes getting caught, we always informed our boyfriends or girlfriends (or spouses) beforehand, “Honey, tonight I am going to engage in coitus with someone other than you. See you tomorrow.” We would miss out on the delicious plotlines in so much of social media, books, movies, and reality television shows.
We all seem to have this strange flaw when it comes to relationships and sex.
We know there is something dangerous and exciting and elicit about sneaking around and cheating on someone. Therefore, our actions take our words hostage.
Sometimes when caught in the act of cheating, people admit it with words, “I’m sorry. I meant to tell you.” Sometimes people will go to the grave in denial, even when caught red-handed (Who ya gonna believe my words or you’re lying eyes)
It’s always better to use words and announce your intent when you’re on the prowl, but we seem neurologically wired to let our actions get ahead of our words when it comes to love.
Some people choose to say things they don’t mean
We live in the freest country in the world in terms of having a 1st amendment protecting our right to say almost anything.
There is no law preventing us from telling our loved ones exactly how we feel about them.
Sometimes it makes sense to lie. White lies in particular. Why hurt someone’s feelings by telling them you hate their hair or clothes or their breath is atrocious? Why tell your spouse the dinner was too salty when you know they slaved over it?
Sometimes we lie out of a fear of loss.
We don’t want to upset someone. Perhaps we’re dependent on them emotionally or financially. Maybe we’re afraid to hear the truth from them.
We tiptoe around the truth. We purposefully use words we know damn well have no relation to how we feel or how we behave.
We use our words to deceive, on purpose.
Which makes sense from a Machiavellian perspective of the ends justifying the means. Telling someone what they want to hear doesn’t seem harmful if it keeps the relationship going.
We all are deceitful to some extent. We couldn’t function in relationships, at work, or with our family if we said exactly what we meant every time.
Surviving in modern society means using our words strategically to get what we want.
Trust but verify
So, what do we do if we think someone’s words are not matching their actions…..and they’re lying to us?
As big brother as it sounds, technology allows us to easily find out if someone is lying.
Am I suggesting you trace your spouse or lover to make sure when they say they’re going to Walmart they really are?
Am I suggesting you train Alexa and your intelligent doorbell to surveil your bedroom for any shenanigans?
Am I suggesting you surreptitiously place a GPS device under your spouse’s car so you can track their every movement?
Yes and no.
This is where you need to know yourself and do some serious soul searching.
If you are the type of person who will not leave your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend under any circumstance, even if they cheat, have secret families, or spend all your money on video games and Pokemon cards, busting them is irrelevant. You’re not ultimately going to do anything about it.
To be clear, there is no judgment here. Hillary Clinton decided to stay with Bill despite his words not matching his actions. The world knew he was disloyal to her and he was lying. Yet she stayed. Why? Well, when she was asked while running for senate in New York, she said it was against her religion to divorce. And that was good enough for her to get overwhelmingly elected. So, people have the right to make their choices.
Some people, for a million different reasons, may say if their spouse ever cheats it’s over, but they don’t mean it. Their words may be sincere, but for religious, emotional, or psychological reasons they will never leave the person who betrays them. Their actions speak louder than their words.
Other people will divorce someone for not using the correct soup spoon at a wedding.
Know who you are.
Know your tolerance for being lied to.
Know whether you really want to know.
If you’re like Hillary and aren’t going anywhere no matter what, there is no sense in using technology to bust your spouse, you’re not going to do anything with the information. If you think they're cheating, they probably are, and it makes no difference that their words will never match their actions. And that is perfectly fine…..for you.
If you’re the kind of person who is certain that if your spouse cheats it’s over, then track them. And if you catch them, divorce them. Or get even. Or move out. Or all of the above.
Either way, we all twist the truth to some extent.
Many times, our words match our actions.
And sometimes they don’t.
In the not-too-distant future, brain implants will permanently align our words and actions because we will be reading people’s thoughts, not decoding and interpreting speech sounds.
Until then, it’s probably better to listen to people’s words very carefully and take them at face value.
But when it comes to trust and judging someone’s character, it’s better to watch their actions, it will tell you all you need to know.