Internal struggle
One of the advantages of being single is not caring too much about editing my thoughts. After all, there is nobody to say, “I was THIS close to jumping your bones, but you say so much stupid shit, there’s no way.”
When I’m fortunate enough to have a woman in my life, I write about the gloriousness of love, the majesty of butterflies, the beauty of a rainbow, and what it means to have a full heart….the stuff nobody wants to read.
After writing this, the chance of having actual sex drops from 18.5% to minus 10%. Meaning for every woman that meets me and doesn’t want to have sex, 10 more reject me anonymously.
The bang (or lack thereof)
I haven’t performed coitus in over a year. For those who don’t know what coitus is, it’s what I haven’t done in over a year.
I’m pretty sure I’ve got the desire and romance part. It’s the psychology and verbal aspects that always throw me.
This is your moment
Sometimes sex unfolds in a natural, comfortable manner as you see in the movies — a kiss seamlessly blending into undressing. My manhood performing like a virtuoso, with dignity and longevity. Everything working and it all ending in a crescendo of satisfaction.
Other times, when the possibility of sex rears its head, reality spooks me into the sexual equivalent of an athlete “psyching themselves out.” And I’m afraid if I take male enhancement pills, I’ll be the guy in the emergency room with the 12-hour erection.
Saying stupid stuff
I have yet to come up with any intelligible speech patterns that make sense as it relates to having sex. “It’s about to happen, baby, isn’t it?” is as close to normal as I’ve come. Anything that starts with, “I just want to say….,” will end horribly with, “…that I’m really glad we're doing this.” Ugh.
When the moment of truth finally arrives, I’m in such shock, I babble and whisper nonsensical jargon. “Maybe, just maybe, it’s the time….the time…is now….for everything to be beautiful and happening and happy and….,” just a bunch of awkward, foolish, diarrhea of the mouth.
What’s it all about?
Over the years I’ve realized, sex is silly, serious, and loaded with meaning, or lack thereof.
For some, sex is pure folly. A game, a fantasy, a tease, a laughing matter.
For others, it’s loaded with deep, spiritual, or religious meaning — performed strictly with a serious facial expression. No words spoken: solemn and holy.
I’ve tried to straddle both, knowing sex can be purely recreational while honoring its magnitude and meaning. There’s nothing that brings two people closer together than one person climbing inside the other person’s body.
Oh, the humanity
It’s all in my brain, I’m certain.
I’m cursed with over-analyzing. I’m impatient, “Excuse me, Tinder date, I’m newish to this kind of thing. I’ve heard we’re supposed to have sex immediately after we meet. If that’s true, could we have sex before dinner? I could just wait or read your nonverbal signals, but I think you’ve already decided if I’m sexual material. Am I? Could you nod if it’s yes and shake your head for no? Please?”
My best female friend told me it’s sweet that I put so much value on making love. She said I’m one of those guys who desperately want to have meaningless sex, but isn’t wired for it.
She said some men are born to have sex. It’s their talent, like being a good athlete, or a gifted musician. She said I should be pleased I’m good with words and am so funny.
We then made love like two pit bulls…..no, we surely did not….I thanked her and asked her if she could fix me. She said I didn’t need to be. I should accept myself the way I am. A loveable person who often says two words, when one would be just fine.
There’s nothing else like it
Getting naked and sharing bodily fluids is a very pleasing and exciting adventure. Up there with an afternoon nap, a three-day weekend, and crispy French fries with ketchup.
But here’s the good news. Having sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it, but the longer you abstain, the more apprehensive you become.
I’m all in. I’m going to get back on that bike again. I’m going to rock somebody’s world.
I can feel it in my bones.
I can feel it in my soul.
I can feel it in every fiber and blood cell in my body.
Get ready ladies, I am going to unleash a typhoon of pleasure upon you of such biblical proportions, you’ll think you’ve died and gone straight to heaven.
Just not today…