The Master Mind of a Man - and Woman
Capturing that first date wonder, excitement, and innocence while acknowledging it cannot and will not last forever
Many men and women are genuine life partners.
One works while the other goes to school; one takes care of the kids while the other pursues a career.
One has a dominant personality while the other is more quiet and timid.
Many relationships and marriages dissolve and disintegrate because we’re not able to separate - and take ownership - of the difference between what turns us on physically (sexually) and what makes us feel secure (financially and emotionally.)
All those fantasies and fetishes swirling around in our heads don’t disappear just because we verbally utter wedding vows or swear our neverending allegiance and loyalty to someone.
I’m particularly intrigued by those couples who, despite overt, outrageously embarrassing, sexual scandals, find a way to stay together.
Take Bill and Hilary Clinton, for example.
One could argue, that she’d be president if she didn’t have to hold back on criticizing Trump’s sexual infidelities because she tolerated the same behavior from her husband.
Yet there is something bold - even charming - seeing them still together as they enter their twilight years.
Hilary found a way to navigate the pain, humiliation, and degradation, and when asked why she didn’t divorce Bill said it was against her religion.
Fair enough.
But what about those who aren’t able to mentally reconcile someone cheating on them - who find it to be a dealbreaker?
What do you do when you’re married for 10 years, have two kids, a mortgage, and friends and family who love you, but cannot resist the temptation of having wild, fresh, love (sex) again?
How do you tame your master mind with all its swirling and intoxicating desires?
Maybe it’s the same as resisting that second piece of chocolate cake…or stopping after just one martini…a diet of the sexual mind?
Maybe that’s the answer.
Dating, intrigue, wonder, sex, betrayal, boredom, jealousy, envy, broken hearts, rebounds - at my age, it all seems so predictable and inevitable, yet we get on that rinse-and-repeat, merry-go-round, over and over.
An initial spark of attraction, followed by some form of dating, sex, and ultimate disillusionment, is one of the few human dramas people of all ages - from high school to nursing homes - seem to experience in the same predictable way.
Whether we’re 17 or 87, we all seem to struggle with issues of control, romance, gender roles, and expectations, navigating that space between genuine physical and emotional satisfaction and the sense we’re stuck and need to find someone new.
It’s not always sexual
I spend a lot of time in Barnes and Noble and Starbucks, writing and hanging out. And I can always tell when two people are meeting there on their first date.
No, I don’t overtly eavesdrop, but if they’re sitting right next to me I can’t close my ears.
Right now, as I type - sitting directly next to me - there is a 30’ish woman and man clearly on some kind of dating app, arranged date.
I have no idea whether these two strangers are physically attracted to each other but I can ALWAYS tell whether they’re socially compatible.
Within minutes, they were sincerely - sweetly really - sharing their life stories, “My kids don’t like seeing their Dad because they feel unwanted and unappreciated,” “I was able to travel to Spain in high school and had never seen so much cultural beauty…”
I’m not staring at them, but I swear I can feel the heat and excitement and wonder slowly emerging.
They speak to each other in respectful tones.
They share intimate, heartfelt, stories of their lives and families and careers and dreams and….gosh it’s wonderful.
They pause, slightly awkwardly, and stare at each other - a glance that reveals an emerging, aching, attraction.
Yet they just met.
Everything about their interlude and experience is wholly in their minds. They’ve never held hands or kissed, or cried or ghosted each other.
They share intimate stories about their past relationships - “He would get in my face and make the kids cry and I’d get back in his face and he didn’t like that….” “She wasn’t interested in the future I was dreaming of….”
“He had bipolar and I asked him for an annulment.”
“She cheated on me.”
“I thought I loved him and I missed him…”
All words, all in their minds, all about the dance and mystery of how conscious, intelligent, animals, try and rebuild their lives.
A form of real-life therapy - getting back on the relationship horse that wickedly threw them off and damaged their souls.
“I’ve been told my entire life that I wasn’t worth anything,” she says.
“So where do you see yourself in five years?” he asks.
“My last date kept wanting to sleep with me right away and I told him, that’s not me…”
“Some need time, it’s okay. It’s better to get to know someone.”
“I need to know if someone’s going to turn scary…”
So sweet and innocent - timelessly genuine.
Sex for procreation:
When I was 14, I went on an orthodox camping retreat and watched a young couple sitting under a tree and talking for hours - the whole weekend.
His buddy was our counselor and we asked him if the couple under the tree was married. He said no, they don’t even hold hands.
“So what do they do?” I asked.
They talk and laugh, and get to know each other philosophically and religiously, he explained.
One of the older campers, late at night when we were in our bunkbeds, told us that the couple was so religious, they would never have sex the way we think of it.
He explained, that for some couples, sex is strictly for having children, not for pleasure.
That was my last retreat.
Not because I was turned off, or because I was at the peak of my pubescent testosterone and the idea of sex strictly for procreation seemed punitive, but because I was too young to get it.
We all deal with our animalistic, “master mind” desires differently.
Some cheat, some agree to have multiple partners, some forgive and try to forget.
But some, refuse to even open Pandora’s box - an extreme, starvation-level, sexual diet of the mind.
A strange, yet somehow understandingly empowering acknowledgment that all sexual desire is a little deviant - a little nasty, a little dangerous, and difficult to contain - so maybe it’s better to not even go there.
SUMMARY:
I’m doing everything I can from interjecting myself into this couple’s cute and endearing first date.
I feel strangely emotional about watching their slow-burn transition from strangers to what I think will be a second date….and maybe a third.
Will they kiss on the second date?
Will that glint in his eye as he laughs at her story fade?
Will her contagious giggle grow and sustain them?
Will they ultimately get married and merge their families?
Will they ghost each other and never speak again?
Who knows.
Maybe they’ll meet at Shalom Park and sit under that giant Oak tree. You know the one that looks like it’s dancing.
Maybe their attraction will continuously grow and they’ll conquer their temptations.
Maybe they’ll spend the rest of their lives together.
I wish them the best.
I hope their master minds never forget their first date at the Barnes and Noble cafe.
But even if they never see each other again, I felt their love emerging with my own eyes.
I felt it deeply.