What happened to unconditional love?
Everybody changes.
We get fat. We lose our hair. We get depressed or lose interest in doing much of anything.
We lose our self-confidence.
We have imperfections that drive us crazy — our hair, our skin, our posture, our voice, our libido.
Why are we so obsessed with our physical appearance, particularly as we age?
If a man marries a thin, tight-skinned, happy-go-lucky, sexual bunny and she gains weight, develops wrinkles, and stops having sex like a teenager, is it “fair” to want to trade her in for someone who looks and acts like the person you originally married?
If a woman marries a fit, loving, attentive, well-coiffed, sexual diehard, and he gets fat, bald, distant, and unable to produce the same level of rigidness she’s grown so deeply accustomed to, does she have the right to dump him like yesterday's trash and find a man who meets her original requirements?
If we agree every “fresh and new” relationship is fueled by punch-drunk, serotonin-soaked, sexual explosiveness…..followed by a more settled, calm, meaningful, love….at what point is it fair to say to our lover or spouse, “You’ve changed way too much, and if you don’t lose weight, smooth out your skin, re-grow your hair, behave better, and fuck me like a virgin, this marriage is over!”
What happens when one person in a relationship or marriage falls short mentally or physically and the other manages to retain their youthful appearance and behaviors?
Does there come a time when “Till death do us part” becomes justifiably conditional?
Most agree if there is domestic violence, emotional abuse, or infidelity, it’s understandable for a couple to divorce - for their own safety and self-preservation - but what if the man or woman you married just let themselves go or became lazy?
Or simply stopped being as caring, attentive, kind, and invested in the relationship or marriage?
What if your spouse hasn’t “let themselves go” but just hasn’t aged particularly well or, despite trying, cannot provide the same kind of emotional and physical support you’ve grown accustomed to?
Shouldn’t a good wife or husband put their own emotional and physical desires aside?
Not always.
Is it fair to expect one person to spend what could be decades with someone who is no longer the person they fell in love with and married?
Drawing that line is sometimes impossibly difficult.
Someone could gain weight and then lose it.
Someone could get wrinkled and bald and have plastic surgery to restore their skin and hair.
Someone could get mental health care and go from being angry and depressed to being pleasant, content, and appreciative.
Someone can take a blue pill and get as hard as a frat boy.
Most of us desperately want to fulfill our wedding vows or remain faithful to the person we’ve pledged to spend the rest of our lives with.
In my experience, there was never a definite moment where one person said to the other, “It’s over. You’ve become too mean, fat, bald, and sexually inadequate for me. I have found someone else. Please leave.”
For most couples, the decision to call it quits is more of a spontaneous series of events rather than a singular, conscious, “I’m outa here,” moment.
Some couples grow weary.
They develop an appetite for someone new and exciting…the way those on a strict diet hunger for a slice of cheesecake.
We stumble upon an old flame, or someone finds us attractive and chases us.
We hold someone else’s hand or end up romantically kissing them.
We sometimes spend years — or even decades — deluding ourselves into thinking we can juggle a marriage while having separate romances or dalliances.
Are we just a bunch of materialistic, physically obsessed, animalistic, beasts?
Yes, we largely are.
Do we sometimes override our evolved monkey selves and behave like civilized, intellectual, emotionally powerful people by using self-discipline to avoid temptation?
We do.
I find it helpful to be extremely philosophical about marriage vows, infidelity, aging, and sexual behavior.
We all fall short….even if only in the fantasies of our mind.
We all dream of a Romeo and Juliet romance transporting us back to the free-wheeling, uninhibited, exhilaration of our youth.
Some of us resist and remain perfectly loyal to our spouse until death.
Some of us resist temptation but fall short.
Sometimes a spouse becomes so profoundly sick, that the other has every right to continue to enjoy the things that make life enjoyable and meaningful. And do so while continuing to honor the person who became incapacitated.
And sometimes our spouse does indeed make it impossible to continue to love them in any meaningful, fair, way.
Who are we to judge another couple?
We either consciously make our own decisions, or decisions are surreptitiously made for us.
Maybe it’s time to retire the vow “Till death do us part.”
Maybe it’s unfair to expect someone to effectively martyr themselves if their spouse — for whatever reason — has changed so much as to effectively become an entirely different person.
If the man or woman you fell in love with years ago is no longer the same person, you have every right to find someone else.
Or….if the person you fell in love with years ago is no longer the same, you have every right to stay with them until death do you part.
The choice is yours, and yours alone, to make.
Creating the life you wish to live and following your bliss is a dynamic, ever-changing, process of give and take, patience and spontaneity, conservatism and recklessness, satisfaction and regret, and is profoundly personal.
Do those who divorce, cheat, or in some way become disloyal to their spouses, have regrets?
Yes. They do.
But you cannot turn back time or relive your life.
And you usually don’t get a second chance with those for whom you have forsaken.
What matters is your genuine happiness.
The 14th Amendment of our constitution enshrines our right to pursue ‘Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness’
Pursuing happiness is your birthright.
Pursue it every day of your life…..Till death do you part.
Well said Jon. You nailed this.