Some people will never be happy.
Sometimes, “some people” are your boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses.
Can you be firmly committed and attached to someone for life, and retain a free and peaceful state of mind?
Yes. But only If you’re willing to lose it all.
The freedom of singlehood
Being single means doing whatever you want.
It means you are not beholden to anybody.
There are life’s trials and tribulations, but your state of mind, when single, is generally peaceful.
Single people admit two things: they’d rather be in a relationship and they don’t want to lose their freedom.
I’m free
Some people have a boyfriend or girlfriend as early as middle school; others remain single their whole lives. Most relationships start out loaded with adrenaline then transition into a meaningful yet ho-hum familiarness.
In a relationship, you check in. Sometimes, you ask permission before you buy something or go somewhere. You can’t make rash, self-centered decisions because you share one life.
You’re committed to making daily compromises and accommodations for the sake of having a life partner. Nobody ever defines themselves as “free” when in a relationship or married.
Being “free” means your every waking moment is under your control….period. You do whatever you want, whenever you want, 24–7.
When someone says they’re free, we don’t envision them running through lush green pastures, we believe they’re partying like it’s 1999.
Free, often means unattached….available.
A ton of bricks
Can we still be free in a relationship or marriage?
Is the trade-off: peace of mind and freedom in exchange for the security and joy of companionship?
Though some people don’t feel “free” when in a relationship. They feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. Some feel responsible for their spouse's happiness, over their own. They don’t feel at ease and have peace of mind because they’re always worrying about what may go wrong. Or whether their partner is satisfied with them and their choices and behaviors.
You can argue anxiety is the price paid for a relationship. We all know people who don’t care about anyone other than themselves yet are still happily married. They have an easy-going state of mind. They know bad things can happen but don’t personalize it, or think they can necessarily prevent it.
If their spouses seem miserable, they know it’s not their fault. They’re not going to be dragged down or feel they have to contort themselves into becoming a sage or a healer. They know what makes them happy and they allow themselves to experience it….without fear, guilt, or anxiety. They are….free.
Relationship trap
We want our relationship or marriage to work out so badly. Perhaps we’ve been divorced or had several breakups and we simply want something that sticks.
If we’re lucky, a combination of compatibility, chemistry, and compromise leads to a mutual calm and empowering state of mind.
But when you feel the relationship or marriage drifting apart or one person is visibly unhappy, that is the moment of truth.
If you think you can fix an unhappy person by sacrificing yourself, you are misguided.
It becomes a circular, co-dependent trap — one person’s sacrifice gets exploited and reinforced by the other person’s neediness….and vice versa.
Summary
Being supportive, understanding, and reasonable does not mean you have to be sacrificial.
You have the right to two things at once: compassion and selfishness.
Having a life partner means mutual sacrifice, not mental turmoil. If the relationship is destroying your state of mind, it’s unhealthy.
Some people will never be happy.
Some people will never be happy with you.
That means your life partner may not last a lifetime.
That means you may have many relationships and marriages.
If your peace of mind depends on it, so be it.
You only have one life and one mind.
My sincere hopes, wishes, and prayers are we find a life partner who brings us joy: physically emotionally, and mentally.
Everyone has the right to self-determination.
Everyone has the right to live their life on their own terms.
Everyone has the right to love themselves as much as they love their spouses.
Everyone has the right to be human.
Everyone has the right to be free.
With someone…..or alone.