You're Much More Attractive Than You Think
Social media and dating apps have warped our self-perception of who's out there for us
Holy Mackerel!
What if we're all much more attractive than we've been brainwashed to think from social media and dating apps?
What if the psychological and emotional manifestation of being swiped away by thousands, ghosted, and deceived, is a huge deflation of our egos and diminishment of our self-worth and sense of attractiveness?
Maybe trying to find a date by swiping quickly through thousands of two-dimensional, photo-shopped, thumbnail-sized photos, is not the ideal way to spark up, form, or develop a relationship or marriage.
What if men and women have been rejected so frequently in their digital and electronic forms that they begin to blame an entire gender for their dating or sexual misfortunes?
Not everyone is photogenic or comes off as particularly sexy or appealing on a dating app.
We seem stuck in an unimaginably frustrating dystopian world where the same 1% of profiles get swiped over and over while the rest of us end up thinking we're disgusting, ugly, losers.
Sexual attraction is a numbers game
The more social events and parties we attend, the more likely, statistically, we will bump into someone who finds us attractive enough to have sex with.
Those of you who are saying, "But sex isn't everything," are either having too much sex, are irresistibly gorgeous, or just don't enjoy it that much.
Sadly - life's not fair - sexual attraction exists on a planet of its own.
A good personality, dazzling sense of humor, and kind disposition cannot, and will not, spark a physical attraction if it doesn't naturally exist.
In graduate school, a fellow female student taught me the down-and-dirty facts of sexual life.
By NOT having sex with me.
She said sexual attraction is not something we can control or fake...it's either there, or it isn't.
And with me, it wasn’t there for her.
Why we're attracted to one person or another is mysterious and unpredictable.
She said sex is all about fantasy and excitement and wonder and sometimes pure dumb luck.
She used me as an example.
She said I was the nicest, funniest, guy, and, on paper, would be the best boyfriend or future husband in the world but that I was not her type physically and therefore could never be more than just a special, "best" friend.
She was honest and blunt enough to say to me, “Let me save you the dejection, you will never make me laugh enough to want to have sex with you. But the girl down the hall thinks you’re handsome, try your comedy schtick on her.”
Sex is the difference between a friend and a lover
There are still some things we're not willing to talk about.
We all have lustful, disgusting borderline illegal mental sexual fantasies that we allow to flitter around within our minds to create, maintain, and occasionally experience, sexual fantasies.
We want dirty, powerful, dominated, dominating, mind-blowing, raw, real, extemporaneous, body-shaking, sexual experiences...and to get them we have to swim in unfamiliar waters.
This brilliant, mature, girl also professed, “You can have tons of sex without loving someone but cannot romantically love someone without having sex.”
Most people still believe if they date someone long enough, a sexual attraction will naturally emerge.
And they are profoundly misguided.
Most couples start with a physical attraction that is no more predictable than why some people like vanilla instead of chocolate ice cream or are more turned on by sports cars than sedans.
But make no mistake, sexual attraction - and sex itself - is what we are seeking above all else - we are biological creatures, not robots.
Yet we’re allowing ourselves to be treated as nonhumans by our new warlords - social media and dating apps.
The fact that millions of men and women are sitting on their sofas while watching Netflix and swiping the same 1% of the gorgeous, possibly fake, pretty people, who are already loaded with hundreds or thousands of requests, is insane.
You have better odds of winning the lottery than having someone choose you over the thousands of other better-looking, sexier, more attractive profiles.
The person who finds you irresistibly, and sexually attractive, is probably standing right next to you in the supermarket, waiting for you to walk into a bar, or is on the local softball team you just joined.
Or is someone who attends your church or temple? Or someone who you bump into after not seeing for many years?
Not everyone dates the high school cheerleader or captain of the football team.
I promise there is someone out there for you…
No matter how you perceive your level of attractiveness, there are plenty of people out there for whom you would rock their world just by being you.
There is someone for everyone.
I’m proof of that.
I was so pragmatic in college (cringe) that I would go door to door in the dorms, striking up conversations, flirting, and seeing who might be interested in dating a relatively short, preppy, hair-sprayed, belt-wearing, kind of guy.
I learned very quickly the difference between when a girl thought I was charming, smart, or funny, and when she thought I was sexually attractive……as well as charming, smart, or funny.
The former is flattering; the latter can be mind-blowing and life-changing.
I also realized where I fell on the attractiveness spectrum and accepted that reality.
It's a numbers game folks.
In no way am I diminishing the extreme challenges modern men and women face in simply being able to get along on a day-to-day basis, but social media and dating app algorithms force us to define each other by our worst attributes - as stereotyped, selfish, materialistic, egomaniacs.
After being rejected and ghosted enough times it's easier to just throw the baby out with the bath water and claim all men are misogynistic, immature assholes and all women are judgemental, two-faced, hypocritical liars.
We know that's not true.
Most people are just like you and me…..desperately looking for a mutual sexual attraction that has a chance of developing and maturing.
We want someone who experiences the same butterflies as we do.
We want to explore these physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual desires with someone who feels the same way.
And it's never going to happen if the only thing we see is a half-inch profile picture of someone who wouldn't give us the time of day if we were the last person on earth.
Just because you don't wake up in the morning with 1000 messages of people wanting to do dirty things to you, doesn't mean you're not attractive or worthy or perfectly capable of finding someone who loves you just as deeply as you love them.
But if you’re still someone who believes that Cupid or some magical love potion will “make” someone fall in love with you, you’re delusional.
Sexual attraction exists…..or it doesn’t.
Seek it.
Be brave.
Accept rejection.
But most of all…don’t let the fake, grotesquely misleading, psychologically and emotionally manipulative social media and dating apps let you think you’ve been left behind.
If you honestly enjoy being alone and feel you’ve had your fair share of wild sexy nights, love affairs, and romantic passion - you do you…..stay single and live your best life.
But if you still dream of rocking somebody’s world, it is much more possible than your smartphone leads you to believe.
There are plenty of lonely fish in the sea who feel as dejected and rejected as you do….put on a doggone bathing suit and go swimming, what’s the worst that can happen?
You’ll be lonely…….and wet.
It’s normal to hunger for and crave physical excitement, pleasure, and satisfaction.
It’s not normal to find it inside a 3-inch, plastic, device.
Go bowling.
Go roller skating.
Go to a bar.
Go to Starbucks or Barnes & Noble.
Go on a cruise.
Go stand on the corner with a sign that says, “Free Hugs.”
Put yourself out there.
It’s worth the effort!